At the time of this writing, I was 98 days sober. The week prior my therapist encouraged me to write a goodbye letter to alcohol. I was encouraged to write like alcohol was a person. I ended up writing to Johnnie Walker, because red label was my drink of choice. It ended up coming out like a breakup letter, and in the interest of puns I joked that it was a ‘Dear Johnnie’ letter instead of a ‘Dear John’.
Content Warning: suicide, suicidal ideation, self-harm, death
Dear Johnnie,
It’s been a lot of years huh? I know I’ve been bad about keeping in touch the last few months. We saw each other briefly at the end of June, but it just wasn’t the same. I remember that night you came over back in 2010 when I tried to jump off the roof. You and Doc showed up right in the nick of time. Remember how you kept me company on those long nights on Catalina? Remember “Portrait of Addiction”?
I know sometimes I prioritized Laphroaig or beer over you, but I always came back to you in the end. Didn’t I? Just like you were there for me all these years, I’ve been there for you. Remember 2020? Buying you by the case. Usually two. People gave us weird looks, but who cares about them? What we had was special.
And hasn’t our time together been filled with laughter? Joy? Celebrations? Spending time at bars & nightclubs & parties with friends? Remember graduation? How everyone kept bringing you to me at home, at school, at work? Everyone important knew that we were together. You were the rock I built my life around. You were there when everyone else wasn’t.
You were there when Nina died. When grandma died. When Doc died. You were there when I couldn’t breathe, and I couldn’t talk. You were there on his birthdays & anniversaries. You were always there.
But they weren’t all good times were they Johnnie? You were there the nights I hurt myself, and you didn’t do anything to try and stop me. You were there when I wanted to go out, to see friends, to be social. To get out of the house and out of my head. But you rarely let me.
You were so demanding. You wanted all my attention. You didn’t give me any space. When I tried to step away I’d find you there again the second I turned my head. I tried for some independence, and sometimes you let me pretend that I was strong and didn’t need you. But I always came crawling back in the end, didn’t I?
Sometimes I HATED you Johnnie. I hated that you could always convince me to turn my friends away. I hated that you isolated me so much that you were the only company I had. But I know that you’re not solely to blame. I was a willing participant at first. I thought I came into our relationship with open eyes.
I also LOVED you Johnnie. I loved how you made me feel. I loved how you made me forget. I loved knowing that no matter where I went, there you were. I just had to reach out and you would be there.
You also scared me Johnnie. You scared me with how quickly you could make me enraged. You scared me with how often I tried to say no to you, but you wouldn’t take “no” for an answer. You scared me when I couldn’t remember what time I went to bed the night before, or what I ate for dinner. You scared me with how obsessed I was with you, how I couldn’t get enough, how I thought about you everyday and couldn’t wait to see you every night.
These last few years have been the worst. We went months without talking or seeing each other and then the second I was alone, you showed right back up, no discussion, no respecting boundaries. Just there insinuating yourself into every part of my life regardless of whether I asked you to or not.
You made me feel so bad these last two years. You made me feel ashamed, like I had something to hide. I joked with people about how you were consuming me, eating me alive. But apparently I joke too much because most people didn’t take me seriously.
You were killing me Johnnie. Bit by bit, piece by piece, you chipped away at who I was until the only thing I cared about was you. I didn’t want you, but I didn’t know how to cope without you either. I don’t know if I even know who I am without you.
I loved you so much, and we have so many good memories together. But you hurt me so much too. I wanted to die, Johnnie. I wanted to die so bad. Every night I’d drown in your presence and pray that no one resuscitated me in the morning.
I miss you so much. My mind and my heart know you’re no good for me, but I still miss the taste of you on my lips. I miss how warm you made me feel. I know I shouldn’t take you back. I know I can’t. There’s no room for you in my life anymore Johnnie. But I sure do wish there was.