I can close my eyes, it’s alright

I wrote this in a poetry club meeting, where the prompt included listening to You Can Close Your Eyes by James Taylor. I created this prompt:

“For me, this song reminds me of someone who made me feel like no matter what happened, no matter what catastrophe, no matter what situation I was in, everything was going to turn out alright because she was there. I’ve never felt as safe, relaxed, and stable as I did when I was in her presence. I could be the most authentically me I ever was, and there was nothing but love and acceptance.

Think about a time, a place, a person, an animal, an experience, or something else where you felt something similar to that. Write about how you can create those spaces for yourself today. How you can manifest a reality where you can be as authentically yourself all the time, and you’ll be received with nothing but love and acceptance. If you’ve never experienced something like that, I want you to envision a space where that experience would be possible.”

With no further ado, here is “I can close my eyes, it’s alright.”

I thought I’d never feel your presence again
Cut off from my lifelines
Isolated by my inability to face
The life I’d made for myself
I wallowed
Deflated, emotionally empty
Unable or unwilling to look beyond
The chasms of grief that consumed my waking moments
I did what I always do
I ran
I fled from feelings and uncomfortability
I raced towards an imagined promised land far from where
I called home
Far from my meager roots
But just like every time before, I wasn’t fast enough
To outrun them all
I left behind acceptance, & love, & belonging, & hope
Depression, anxiety, defeat, fear, self-pity, despair all tagged along
Three years of increasingly despondent drinking without you
Left me in a place where the shattered remains of sanity & any semblance of humanity
Surrounded me
Like the ghosts of your love
I could see but I couldn’t touch
Couldn’t feel
Couldn’t connect with
When I clawed my way back home
It was out of apathetic desperation
More than active desire
I desired nothing more than to cease to exist

And then I found A.A.
I found people who reminded me of you
Who gave as freely of their love as you did
Who welcomed me with open arms as you used to
Who gave me no expectations
Only acceptance
And understanding
And the hope that I could envelop myself in their comforting presence like I used to be comforted in yours

I am surrounded by people who make me believe
That I can close my eyes
It’s alright